my mouth tastes like poor choices
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize