I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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