I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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