Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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