Taylor Swift is so right about you.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
