your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
