I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
