i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Randomize
