What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
