dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
