Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Randomize
