Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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