life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
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