I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
