he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
