I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Randomize
