I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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