They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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