Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
