you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize