Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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