i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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