Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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