Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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