What did we do last night that was yellow?
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Everclear isn't food dammit
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
