the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
