She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
