i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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