My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
