just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Randomize
