If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
