i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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