I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
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