My nipple is on Facebook.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Sext me about skeletons
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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