at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
