Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Randomize
