fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
