I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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