After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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