don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
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