the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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