No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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