I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
