I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
My liver just had a heart attack.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
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