Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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