Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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