so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
handjob tips. give me some.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
