Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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