Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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