you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
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