Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Randomize
