Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
