McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
