OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
i've created a new STD.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Randomize
