I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I'm too high and old for this...
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
