i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize