My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Randomize
