I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Boobs speak an international language.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize