He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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