She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
