I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
