I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Randomize
