I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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