life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
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