Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Randomize
