could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
